Monday, December 29, 2008

Sports Woodshed: Detroit Worst Ever

Welcoming the Detroit Lions to the Sports Woodshed doesn't really do their pitiful performance in 08 justice. The Wooshed Hall of Shame is more appropriate.

Granted, there is a significant amount of clowning that needs to be done, so this moment of futility can truly be appreciated, but I'm above that. Who am I kidding? That statement is about as trustworthy as having Romo catching a snap for a winnng field goal in the playoffs. Or betting on Romo or the Cowboys in any game in December.

Seriously though. I really just have one question for the 08 Detroit Lions.

How?

How do you manage that?

How do you go bagel for sixteen in the NFL? I guess they also didn't know they could tie.

Because shit, everyone knows you play to win the game but at some point maybe they should have just been playing for the tie, not to lose. I'm grasping because I just dont get it.

I don't get how men with pride can drop 16 straight games. I dont know how men can accept the label as the worst team of all time. Because that's what they are. The 08 Lions are the worst team in the history of the NFL. They are the only team to ever run the table...in reverse, in the history of the league.

Here's one:
If your're an NFL stud... And you play for the 0-16 Detroit Lions. After completing the worst season of all time and having your manhood abused like a roofied freshman girl at Frat party... Does this now mean that when you go home tonight it's your spouse's turn to kick you down the stairs? Or maybe it's the call girls turn to snort bam bam off your nipples... It's all in reverse right? I'm just saying. Your 0-16. What?

Times sure are tough in Detroit. Damn. First the Pistons start looking shaky, then the economy, now this? Well at least they got Slim Shady.

Everyone on the 08 Lions should have to get a tattoo on their forehead that says 0-16 so that they will be marked for the rest of time as an example to all who see them that this is what can happen when you just can't get your shit together. They should be marked men like how God did Cain when he killed Able.

I'll take it one step further and ask that these men refrain from reproducing any offspring at the risk that this atrocity may somehow repeat itself.

Quick question: How do you spell suck ass?

D.E.T.R.O.I.T L.I.O.N.S

Welcome to the Woodshed Hall of Shame.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Sports Woodshed: Plax Shoots himself in the Foot...Again.

The Woodshed has always been known as that dark place where people are taken to receive their cummuppins, where mercy and compassion are optional and punishment is swift and un-relenting. The Sports Woodshed is no different. It's where the buffoons of the sporting universe end up when they cross the line.

Plaxico Burress, welcome to the Woodshed.

Normally I like to put at least five sport figures in the Woodshed to be efficient. Had to take Shaq there after the freestyle incident, Chad Johnson paid a visit after the Ocho Cinco fiasco and Stephon Marbury is a permanent resident.

Today, there is room for only one. Plaxico Burress. Plax allegedly shot himself in the leg with a gun and had to be hospitalized for the injuries he sustained. You hate to laugh at this stuff because he could have seriously been injured, but.... Come on Plax!

This is beyond dumb. In fact, this has to be the one of the dumbest things anyone in sports has ever done. You feel for the guy, but at some point you just have to shake your head. He doesn't want to practice, he doesn't want attend team meetings, he's already been suspended earlier this season for poor conduct, is Plax trying to ruin his career?

The thing is... The Giants right now are the best team in football. They are favored to win the Superbowl and they look unstoppable. They even managed to put a 23-7 beatdown on the Redskins without Buress. So if you are the Giants what do you do with Plax?

Today he turned himself into the police and to add insult to injury he will be facing criminal charges on gun possession. I can't see how the league won't give him a lengthy suspension. This might be Plax's swan song in NY, I mean enough is enough.

Just imagine the conversation between teamates when the news broke.....

Toomer: Yo, Eli, did you hear about Plax?

Eli: What is it this time?

Toomer: You won't believe me even if I told you.

Eli: Did he get caught beating up a hooker? I told him to stop doing that.

Toomer: No. Worse. He shot himself in the foot.

Eli: What else is new. What did he do?

Toomer: I'm saying, he shot himself in the foot.

Eli: Yeah, he always does. What did he do?

Toomer: No dawg, you're not hearing me. He literally shot himself in the foot. He took a gun. Loaded it. And straight up busted a cap into his leg piece.

Eli: Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

I'd really like to take this to a whole different level of clowning on Plax, but I actually feel bad for the guy. He's clearly disturbed.

Why he can't just kill dogs, make it rain on strippers, beat his girlfriend, sell drugs out the back of his trunk and indecently expose himself on cruise ships like everyone else is beyond me.

Welcome to the Woodshed Plax. Make room for the Lions.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Who is Anthony Morrow?

If you haven't seen this kid in action lately you need to peep this.

The un-drafted free agent and 23-year old Anthony Morrow has dazzled NBA fans since Nelly decided to start his 6'5 wiry ass at shooting guard for the Golden State Warriors. In his debut start he set the record for the most points scored by an un-drafted rookie when he dropped a 37 spot on the Clippers, he followed that up with a dirty 25 points on the Trailblazers in his second career start. Morrow has been an inferno since he got the nod. In his first two career starts he has shot 23-32 (71%) from the field and 7-9 from behind the arc. Can you say lighting it? And I have to admit, he looks good doing it.

Who is he? Where did he come from? Don't worry, I decided to find out.
A-Mo, as he's known on the streets, is a North Carolina kid, who played his college ball for Georgia Tech. In college the most points he averaged was 16 in his sophomore year, he averaged 14.3 in 32 games as a senior and went un-drafted. He balled out in the summer leagues and showed unbelievable range leading to him getting picked up by the floundering Warriors after the Baron Davis fiasco. It was thought that he would make a decent back up at the shooting guard position and critics questioned his athleticism and one-on-one prowess. He was deemed as a poor leaper and a good shooter that lacked explosiveness.

So far he's proving everyone wrong.


Now the true test for Morrow begins. Teams are actually going to have him on the scouting report and they will be keying on trying to slow him down and expose his weaknesses. Now we get to see what he's really made of.

Flash in the pan? Or are we about to add another superstar to the ever growing list of NBA human highlight reels?

Monday, November 17, 2008

NBA : The Week That Was

While I was watching NBA highlights last week my phone rang. Outside area code ring tone. I checked the calandar and looked at my watch. I won't mention his name (Kareem Johnson) but he called to let me know that Lakers were going undefeated this year. That they were going to shatter the Bulls single season win record, win the championship and "by the way Kobe is better than Jordan" ended the rant. What's more, he was willing to put his money where his mouth was and make bets.

This year, that call came a little earlier than usual. That exact day, the Pistons marched into LA and handed the Lakers their first loss of the season. Mysteriously Kareem could not be reached for comment.

It got me thinking though, are Laker fans feeling a little more confident this year?

It's still really early, but the west doesn't seem to have as much punch to it as usual.
Way too early to call it.

As early as it may be certain players are serving notice already that they are going for broke this year.

Can anyone stop LeBron James? The man fills the stat sheet up like a Thanksgiving Turkey, and his highlights look like clips from a video game.

I didn't think it was possible for him to get bigger and stronger. Then again, I never thought I would see a black president. Im 0 for 2.

The scary thing about LeBron is he's only 24. He hasn't even reached his man strength yet.

And then there's D-Wade. I'll keep this short, because he's my favorite player and I don't want to get too carried away. I don't think there's a more exciting player in the league. I really don't.

Last week Dwight Howard recorded a mammoth triple double with 30 points, 19 rebounds and TEN BLOCKS! Ten BLOCKS!? Really? Ten? That hasn't been seen or done since The Dream shake. Anyone who has seen him play was thinking the same thing...This is not the last time we are going to see this happen.

Another notable performance was that of Anthony Morrow. Never heard of him? Don't worry. No one has. In his first career start for the Golden State Warriors Morrow went buckwild on the Clippers dropping 37 points 11 rebounds while shooting 15-20 from the field and 3-4 from the behind the arc.
There was a collective hush in the crowd as people flipped through their programs trying to figure out who the hell he was. Crazy kid.

Duncan is carrying the Spurs, but for how long? Parker and Ginoboli are out for extended periods things are getting dicey fast. But again it's early.

Oden has been getting better day by day. If Mr. Glass can stay healthy he might be all that he was billed to be .

As I said before, it's really early in the NBA season, but after the first few weeks, can Dallas already be done? Does that team have a chance?

Look out for Utah. They've been ballin sans Derron.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Memoirs of a Bitter Packer Fan

The days of happiness are gone, all that is left is sorrow and anguish. It's Sunday night, the cold Wisconsin air chills me, my nose runs. Is it November? It can't be. Where are the children playing in the streets?

The local drinking hole is empty, just the regulars, rickity Bob and Joe Blue... Looks like they'll be closing early. What happened? Is it really November? My cheese hat doesn't seem to fit any more. I wonder aimlessly through the streets, stuck in between a dreamworld and reality. In my dream world I see Brett Favre, dawning the yellow and green, gunslinging across the frozen tundra. I see hope, I see my hero I see a promise that we will always have a chance for glory...
And then the dream fades. I see flashes of images that make me shudder. Images that make me run to my children's rooms and make sure they are safe. I tuck them in and tell them that better days are ahead. It pains me to lie. I look out the window, the trees are bare, the streets are empty, I see a town I don't recognize, a team I don't know and a quaterback I can't love.

The dream fades back and forth between reality and then it becomes a nightmare. In my nightmare I see cheeseheads crying, Lambeau field in ruins, and Adrian Peterson running and running and running...

How did it come to this? Wasn't it just a year ago that we were a field goal away from the Superbowl? And now, that is nothing more than a fleeting memory.

My mind wanders.

I see my hero. He's wearing a shade of green but I don't recognize the color. He's leading his team to victory, fancy coats, weird accents and arrogant fans cheer him on...Make it stop. I pray for an end to my nightmare, but it continues.

There will be no Thanksgiving this year, no Christmas, no presents, no joy no happiness. We turned our back on No. 4. I'm as guilty as the next man and my heart bleeds.

I flee to the attic. In a box, labelled HERO, neatly folded, a jersey, the word FAVRE deteriorating across the back, no. 4 emblazoned across the front, I hold the jersey like a flag near to my heart, and fight back the urge to cry.

Be strong, I tell myself, this nightmare will end soon.... It pains me to lie.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Obama Ushers In Age Of Change

For the past 24 hours I have been receiving text messages telling me how liberated myself and and black people are because of Obama. One text read " Rosa sat so Martin could walk. Martin walked so Obama could run. Obama is running so our children can fly."

Here's my take.

First off, congratulations America. Hats off to the American citizens for rising in numbers to show that democracy works and that change can be fostered when a country bands together.

I don't think that one could argue that it is about time that a black president was elected, simply because there has never been in my opinion a suitable black candidate in the US. Jesse Jackson? Al Sharpton? I'm with Lil Wayne on the latter.

Furthermore,

I believe that what Obama has accomplished is not on the same level as Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King. I do believe Obama is a product of the fight and struggle that took place before him. I believe Obama's timing is perfect, and I believe Obama is an example of what a visible minority can accomplish when he/she does not use the color of their skin as an excuse.

Without question, Obama's election to the White House is a monumental achievement for him and all people of color, Black Americans in particular. But to me, Obama wasn't running so our children could fly.

I was raised by an African man who made me believe that I was born with wings. So, I think I can fly. My children will too, as long as they realize that ....

"flying is a matter of first believing the sky is the limit and then beating your wings hard enough to overcome the forces that keep you grounded."

Obama to me, is living proof of this and should serve as an inspiration to everyone, white, black, yellow, brown, blue, magenta, that "Yes You Can".


Back to Sports.

Change is good, ask Allen Iverson.

NBA:
Great to see Will Bynum balling in the league, loved his game in college.

Nobody fears the Spurs anymore. They've become like old grandparents holding that wooden spoon, only to have the kid grab the spoon from their hands and say
"C'mon grandpa, I'm grown."

Somethings never change---Yao is still as soft as Charmin, killed me yesterday in my pool.

In the NFL---Glad to see Leftwich get another shot at QB.

Talking about change---Raiders AL Davis needs to go. NOW. A colleague of mine asked me " Do you think he's allergic to sunlight and sleeps in a coffin?" Answer: Absolutely.

Nice to see the Dolphins competing and Joey Porter back to doing what he does best, running his mouf and sacking the quaterback.

Let's stop doubting the Giants.

Let's start doubting the Cowboys and the Colts.

College Football-- We need change here. Go to a playoff system already! The BCS system is junk. There's too much parity among college football teams, one or two losses doesn't mean anything when anyone can lose on any given day to anyone, right Texas?

MLB-- After the suspect ending to the World Series, perhaps they should shorten the season just a little bit, so you don't end up playing baseball outdoors in November.

NHL- Let's stop calling pussy touch penalties and let these boys play. They've taken enough clutching and grabbing out of the game but now the type of nonsense that's being called is downright soft. I'm sick of seeing 20 powerplays per game. Put the whistle away, this isn't basketball.

Also, what kind of sport awards points to the loser of a game? C'mon NHL. You can't get a point for just making it to overtime. It's either 2 points or nothing. Let's keep it real. Imagine, points for losing...We're sending the wrong message to the youth.

Canada Basketball---Let's say goodbye to Leo Rautins and get a coach that won't piss off the best player on the team and a guy who will put a team together that can qualify for the Olympics. We're better than that Canada.

Yes we can.

Change is here.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Iverson Headed Back East

According to Nba.com, the Denver Nuggets have agreed to terms on a deal that will send Allen Iverson to the Detroit Pistons in exchange for Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess...
What?

This is one of the more difficult posts for me to write. Keeping in mind that I am a Nuggets fan and Allen Iverson is my favorite player in the league (tied with D-Wade) I am torn with this decision.

At First Glance

At first glance, Detroit has shit the bed with this deal. As much as I love AI, stripping the nucleus of a borderline championship caliber team to acquire one shoot first Pg is probably not The Answer.

For Denver, this deal makes sense, it improves our, excuse me, their team, and adds some defensive depth and scoring inside. This move will allow Carmello Anthony to shine. He'll be getting fed from an experienced playmaker and leader, in Billups who helped turn Richard Hamilton into a superstar. No question, this move makes the Nuggets a better and more competitive team in the West. It tears me apart that they had to give up A.I to do it.


At Second Glance
But then again, and this is the part of me that unconditionally loves A.I; It could work for the Pistons. If you put AI on a team with Rip, Sheed and J-Max, in the East, you kind of have a squad.

I might be blinded by how filthy nice I believe Iverson is, I might be even swayed by the fact that he's the best pound for pound scorer of all time, I might even be biased by the undeniable reality that this man has more heart and more fight in him than a Brahaman Bull and has one more championship run left in him... I might be slightly disillusioned, I'll admit that.

But everyone else must admit that in the East--anything is possible .

Bottom line,
Denver just got a whole lot better and Detroit...Well it remains to be seen if The Answer will solve their questions. I'm too biased to call it.