Monday, December 29, 2008

Sports Woodshed: Detroit Worst Ever

Welcoming the Detroit Lions to the Sports Woodshed doesn't really do their pitiful performance in 08 justice. The Wooshed Hall of Shame is more appropriate.

Granted, there is a significant amount of clowning that needs to be done, so this moment of futility can truly be appreciated, but I'm above that. Who am I kidding? That statement is about as trustworthy as having Romo catching a snap for a winnng field goal in the playoffs. Or betting on Romo or the Cowboys in any game in December.

Seriously though. I really just have one question for the 08 Detroit Lions.


How do you manage that?

How do you go bagel for sixteen in the NFL? I guess they also didn't know they could tie.

Because shit, everyone knows you play to win the game but at some point maybe they should have just been playing for the tie, not to lose. I'm grasping because I just dont get it.

I don't get how men with pride can drop 16 straight games. I dont know how men can accept the label as the worst team of all time. Because that's what they are. The 08 Lions are the worst team in the history of the NFL. They are the only team to ever run the reverse, in the history of the league.

Here's one:
If your're an NFL stud... And you play for the 0-16 Detroit Lions. After completing the worst season of all time and having your manhood abused like a roofied freshman girl at Frat party... Does this now mean that when you go home tonight it's your spouse's turn to kick you down the stairs? Or maybe it's the call girls turn to snort bam bam off your nipples... It's all in reverse right? I'm just saying. Your 0-16. What?

Times sure are tough in Detroit. Damn. First the Pistons start looking shaky, then the economy, now this? Well at least they got Slim Shady.

Everyone on the 08 Lions should have to get a tattoo on their forehead that says 0-16 so that they will be marked for the rest of time as an example to all who see them that this is what can happen when you just can't get your shit together. They should be marked men like how God did Cain when he killed Able.

I'll take it one step further and ask that these men refrain from reproducing any offspring at the risk that this atrocity may somehow repeat itself.

Quick question: How do you spell suck ass?


Welcome to the Woodshed Hall of Shame.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Sports Woodshed: Plax Shoots himself in the Foot...Again.

The Woodshed has always been known as that dark place where people are taken to receive their cummuppins, where mercy and compassion are optional and punishment is swift and un-relenting. The Sports Woodshed is no different. It's where the buffoons of the sporting universe end up when they cross the line.

Plaxico Burress, welcome to the Woodshed.

Normally I like to put at least five sport figures in the Woodshed to be efficient. Had to take Shaq there after the freestyle incident, Chad Johnson paid a visit after the Ocho Cinco fiasco and Stephon Marbury is a permanent resident.

Today, there is room for only one. Plaxico Burress. Plax allegedly shot himself in the leg with a gun and had to be hospitalized for the injuries he sustained. You hate to laugh at this stuff because he could have seriously been injured, but.... Come on Plax!

This is beyond dumb. In fact, this has to be the one of the dumbest things anyone in sports has ever done. You feel for the guy, but at some point you just have to shake your head. He doesn't want to practice, he doesn't want attend team meetings, he's already been suspended earlier this season for poor conduct, is Plax trying to ruin his career?

The thing is... The Giants right now are the best team in football. They are favored to win the Superbowl and they look unstoppable. They even managed to put a 23-7 beatdown on the Redskins without Buress. So if you are the Giants what do you do with Plax?

Today he turned himself into the police and to add insult to injury he will be facing criminal charges on gun possession. I can't see how the league won't give him a lengthy suspension. This might be Plax's swan song in NY, I mean enough is enough.

Just imagine the conversation between teamates when the news broke.....

Toomer: Yo, Eli, did you hear about Plax?

Eli: What is it this time?

Toomer: You won't believe me even if I told you.

Eli: Did he get caught beating up a hooker? I told him to stop doing that.

Toomer: No. Worse. He shot himself in the foot.

Eli: What else is new. What did he do?

Toomer: I'm saying, he shot himself in the foot.

Eli: Yeah, he always does. What did he do?

Toomer: No dawg, you're not hearing me. He literally shot himself in the foot. He took a gun. Loaded it. And straight up busted a cap into his leg piece.

Eli: Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

I'd really like to take this to a whole different level of clowning on Plax, but I actually feel bad for the guy. He's clearly disturbed.

Why he can't just kill dogs, make it rain on strippers, beat his girlfriend, sell drugs out the back of his trunk and indecently expose himself on cruise ships like everyone else is beyond me.

Welcome to the Woodshed Plax. Make room for the Lions.